…of pig flu.
We all are. In fact, it may already be too late for you. If you want to check if you have pig flu, just click here. (Though, if you have even trace amounts of common sense, click here instead.)
In a country like Japan it’s possible to live a pretty long life without ever encountering the unsavoury side of living with other humans – threats of violence, street crime, all that really nasty stuff. In fact you can live as sheltered an existence as you desire, so it’s vitally important that you stay tuned to your telly to find out what you should be scared of this week.
A while back we were being instructed to ramp up our well-practised fear of North Korea and its army of starving citizens and its intercontinental ballistic fireworks.
This of course came amidst the panicking we were already doing about impending pauperdom, as brought about by the global financial implosion. Which of course was inflicted on a blameless Japan by those greedy and thoughtless Americans. Of course.
But as these lumps of media chewing gum were beginning to lose their flavour, we needed something new to get our teeth into.
Thank you, swine flu!
With the first reports, around the country those who weren’t screaming were donning those terribly handy facemasks that all diligent Japanese households keep a supply of (and by the next day were sold out in every store in the nation).
But a week later, the scoreboard still read “0″. In fact the tolls weren’t really rising anywhere. The only suspected cases in Japan, newsflashed with great fanfare and drama, later turned out to be more of those disappointing false alarms that the goverment’s recently become so terribly good at.
Yes, like SARS and Bird Flu before, this was winding up into one big damp squib. (Meanwhile, common-or-garden flu will kill nearly half a million worldwide this year. But not to worry.)
But surely a country in a heightened state of fear is a country in a heightened state of preparedness? You’d imagine.
An increasing number of patients with fever have been rejected by hospitals in Tokyo even though their risk of being infected with a new type of influenza is low, given that they have never been to any of the countries affected by the new flu, a Tokyo metropolitan government survey showed Tuesday. The number of cases in which Tokyo hospitals refused medical examinations for such patients totaled 92 from Saturday morning to Tuesday noon, according to the survey.
So let’s do some maths. While actual cases = 0, 92 people are refused entry into the bloody hospital. So when actual cases = epidemic, presumably the bodies will just pile up in the street. Just outside hospitals.
This thoroughly intelligent and sensible response from the medical ‘profession’ was underlined by the following –
Some patients were rejected by hospitals after telling them, ‘‘I work at Narita airport’’ or ‘‘I have a foreign friend,’’ the survey showed.
Pause over that one for a moment. A so-called doctor actually refused treatment to someone who needed it on the basis that there was a foreign name in their address book.
Abandon hope. We’re all going to die.
So there we were quietly letting the morning show wash over our sleepy heads, when suddenly there’s the newsflash jingle and the headline appears at the top of the screen.
Was it an earthquake or other such calamity? Had someone died? Were the North Koreans firing more missiles?
None of these things, in fact. No, the information deemed newsflash-worthy was that some famous bloke had been arrested after being found naked in a Tokyo park.
You might think a newsflash a little OTT for that, but that was merely for starters. What followed was a media meltdown. Frantic ‘reporters’ gathered outside buildings where nothing appeared to be happening, breathlessly delivering no new information whatsoever. Scale models of the neighbourhood where the indiscretion happened were built and used to illustrate the scene far better than the words “in a park” could possible have done. Estimates of how many billion yen this was going to cost the entertainment industry were rolled out as talking heads nodded, clucked, and tutted through frowns. It even made international headlines.
For readers outside Japan, I’ll back up a little and explain.
The nudist in question was one Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, member of what’s laughably still called ‘boy-band’ SMAP, though none of its members have been boys for close to 20 years. SMAP is the definition of ubiquitous. For a band that can’t sing, they’ve held on for astonishly long. They’re on TV pretty much all the time. They’re on TV between the programmes too, being among the country’s most sought-after celebrities for endorsements. They’re on the radio, on posters, they do theme songs for other programmes, they’re even allowed to act. You can’t escape SMAP. Resistance, I assure you, is futile.
Tsuyoshi, who aside from all the celebrity nonsense seems like he’s probably a decent sort, is apparently the quiet one. So it was probably bound to happen sooner or later.
The gist of it is that Tsuyoshi went out and got absolutely shitfaced. What happened next is unsurprisingly hazy, but it all culminated in him shouting and moaning, stark naked, on a park bench. Someone complained about the noise, the cops turned up, Tsuyoshi took exception and went ape-shit. He is reported to have “violently resisted arrest”, shouting “What’s wrong with being nude?!” He has a point (which was plain to see). So multiple rozzers bundled him up in a sheet and carted him off to the copshop.
Poor Tsuyoshi’s biggest problem is that there’s simply nothing happening in Japan at the moment. Prime Minister Aso resolutely refuses to call an election. Kim Jong Il’s run out of rockets. Sakura season’s long gone. The media were like starving lions being thrown a juicy fresh Christian.
The usual routine for celebrity indiscretions (like Shinsuke Shimada punching a woman in the mouth, for example) is garden leave of between 1 and 6 months, followed by well-prepped press conference with tearful apology and bowing, and then everyone gets on with it as if nothing happened.
But in the meantime, the primetime TV schedules will have gaping holes that, alas, have to be filled. Everyone in TVland is going to be doing overtime, no Golden Week holiday for them next week! And all because a popstar behaved like a Finance Minister proper rockstar.
The Japanese media are not short of national pride, not by a long way. So why then are they so conflicted about showing it?
To give an idea of how uneasy they feel about the whole idea of being proud to be Japanese, consider this – throughout the World Baseball Classic, the national team was referred to as 侍ジャパン (”Samurai Japan”). If that appears as mere squiggles on your screen, or you can see but can’t read it, I should point out that the media has, at every opportunity, used not the Japanese words Nihon or Nippon, but the English word Japan. Don’t you think that’s a little strange?
Let’s deal quickly with that Samurai bit first. Why the baseball team needed this cringeworthy, cheesy nickname in the first place is beyond me. Though this isn’t unprecedented – the national football team is inexplicably always known by the following formula – Manager’s name + English word ‘Japan’ = media-friendly label. Hence in recent years there’s been ‘Zico Japan’, ‘Osim Japan’, and now ‘Okada Japan’. At least during games commentators do occasionally use the national language to refer to the national team.
And that’s what puzzles me most – this habit of referring to one’s nation by using a foreign language. Can you imagine if BBC commentators peppered their inane chatter with references to ‘Angleterre’ or ‘Anglija’? What’s the point of trying to stir up all those patriotic feelings if you then diminish the whole thing by removing the very name by which your country is known by its own inhabitants?
The Japanese often use English to give things a veneer of instant cool. It’s used in random meaningless dollops in advertising to indicate sophistication (unless you actually speak English). You will see not a single Japanese car with a Japanese name, for instance.
But surely giving your country a foreign name for the sake of ‘cool’ is a step too far?
What surprises me is the number of Japanese people I’ve mentioned this too who hadn’t even noticed this happening, and those who had noticed are not in the slightest bothered by it.
I can’t explain it, but I do know that if you attempted to summon the patriotism of Englishmen under a banner reading “Inghilterra”, you may as well ask a cat to fetch a stick.
It’s been a memorable week for a couple of reasons. You may be thinking, yes, both Real Madrid AND Man United. Well, kind of. But no.
The first reason is gastroenteritis. Not as much 
fun as seeing Liverpool demolish Real Madrid 4-0. Doesn’t even come close, actually. Liverpool took to the field on Wednesday night as I slept for the first time in 72 hours. And as my knotted colon and cramping stomach finally allowed me some rest, Real Madrid were efficiently taken to pieces at Anfield, suffering their heaviest defeat ever in the Champions League. You know Liverpool are rampant when even Andrea Dossena gets on the scoresheet. Onward then to the fourth quarter final in five years.
And to Saturday, and United at Old Trafford at lunchtime. Ah lunchtime – to be eating solid food again! Earlier in the week, Wayne Rooney, sounding as sore as my seat, had mentioned…
I grew up as an Everton fan hating Liverpool. And that hasn’t changed!
And by Sunday morning, I’d imagine it still hasn’t changed. Dumping Real Madrid out of Europe was only half of the story. Liverpool still had humiliatin’ to do. Doing the double over United certainly won’t make Liverpool any more popular in the Rooney househould, one supposes. (And you know Liverpool are rampant when even Andrea Dossena gets on the scoresheet…)
The last time United conceded four at home, I was a mere lad. A pint of beer could be got for a pound, and petrol was 50p a litre. No kidding, it was 17 years ago.
So while United might be hurting this morning, I have to say I’m feeling a lot better. I woke up hungry and enjoyed my first breakfast for a week.
Of course Liverpool must now win every league game and hope that United implode for this result to make any difference to the Championship. And despite this week’s heroics, we know what Liverpool are likely to do against the likes of Fulham and Blackburn. But I shan’t let that stop me from basking in this week’s glory, which will certainly speed along my convalescence.
Today Mrs C and I celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. Thanks for the cards, calls and emails.
We were coasting towards a general election, with the ruling jimintou (LDP) slowly destroying themselves, and the opposition minshutou (DPJ) not really doing much of anything except looking forward to being the next government.
The Prime Minister is rated as one of the most unpopular ever, and not a week seems to go by without the government somehow managing to become even less likeable. Something truly extraordinary and unlikely would have to happen to keep the DPJ from winning the next election…
And then, with what a cynic might call ‘expert’ timing, a SCANDAL!
Goodness, who was expecting that?
For the leader of the opposition, Ichiro Ozawa, the shit had suddenly hit the fan.
Takanori Okubo, 47, Ozawa’s government-paid aide, was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of falsifying fund reports concerning political donations believed to have come from scandal-tainted Nishimatsu Construction Co.
The media mob collectively lost what was left of their minds. Every news show, morning show, ‘wide’ show, was devoted to the “developing story”. Gangs of reporters feverishly gathered up their pitchforks and torches and went on the march to DPJ headquarters to await explanations, apologies, and resignations.
Ozawa gave a combative press conference the next morning, announcing he hadn’t the slightest intention of giving them what they wanted.
“I have done nothing to be ashamed of. The donations were dealt with appropriately under the law, reported (to authorities) and made public.”
Ozawa didn’t (quite) go as far as to accuse the LDP of muck-raking and opportunistic headline-making, but he certainly made a few references to ‘the timing’ of the scandal, to which Richard Lloyd-Parry of the Times added that investigators might have come across the connection to Ozawa’s office purely by chance…
But there are many who will regard the timing of the current investigation as a strange coincidence, and suspect collusion between the LDP and the prosecutors’ office.
Indeed the DPJ later issued a statement in which the leader was given unconditional support, with secretary general Yukio Hatoyama saying that, given the timing of the investigation, “it is natural to suspect that the public prosecutors have a political motive.”
When asked to comment, Prime Minister Taro Aso gave ‘no comment’ except to say, “It would be unfortunate if this leads to public mistrust in politics.”
Very unfortunate indeed, Prime Minister.
So your economy is slowly but inexorably being sucked down the toilet. And though the government’s popularity has sunk to an almost unprecedented 9.7%, fear not – at least the Finance Minister knows how to keep calm in a crisis.
Now, to the untrained eye, like perhaps both yours and mine, he might look drunk off his arse. But what do we know? No, it was down to a surfeit of ‘cold medicine’, he later revealed.
His aides probably forgot to ask for the non-drowsy formula. You know, the one you can take and still ‘operate heavy machinery’. Or represent your country at a G7 summit during the worst economic crisis for a century.
The Prime Minister announced his immediate support for the minister who he believed “had taken sleeping pills” (like you would during a G7 summit). But this was early on before the government had got their story straight.
In the face of international derision, all and sundry called on him to resign, making much of the “shame” he has brought on Japan, and at lunchtime today he announced his resignation.
Prime Minister Aso faced a straight choice in the exercise of his authority – sack him or support him. And he got it wrong, offering support to a man who was clearly incapable, but also happens to be a close friend and ally. Now that Nakagawa’s gone, life isn’t going to be getting any easier for Aso.
Imagine if German chancellor Angela Merkel had gone into politics after running a family mining business that had used prisoners of war captured by the Nazis as slave labour in its mines. And imagine that she refused to acknowledge the issue.
It’s unimaginable. Skeletons of that magnitude in the closet would have prevented her rising to high office in the first place, maybe even from entering politics at all.
It’s not unimaginable in Japan, however. In a country that doesn’t really do public outrage, this is precisely the life history of Prime Minister Taro Aso.
A parliamentary committee heard last December what’s been talked about abroad for some time, namely that Aso Mining, founded by the PM’s grandfather enslaved “300 British, Dutch and Australian POWs as well as civilians kidnapped from Asia” at the company’s Kyushu mines.
This week, opposition MP Yukihisa Fujita called on the PM to issue a specific, personal apology, saying “Mr Aso should take this opportunity and send a sincere message to the survivors”.
So far, Aso’s only response has been to issue a statement saying simply that “Japan has taken appropriate steps over the POW issue through apologies and compensation”.
Aso, famous for his unapologetically (spotting a theme?) lavish lifestyle as provided by the riches from that family business, currently ‘enjoys’ approval ratings below 20% as his Liberal Democratic party look like losing grip on power, and facing their first sustained period in opposition in 50 years.
One of my advanced students recently inadvertantly stepped into a linguistic bear-trap – the abuse of English by native speakers. He reads a lot on the internet, which is great homework, but had been confused by an English usage that shreds my nerves.
The extraneous ‘of’
Starting with ‘off of‘. I know it’s acceptable American idiom, but even American grammarians will only go as far as describing its usage as informally acceptable. To me it’s redundant, and it grates.
Then there’s the ‘of’ which replaces the auxiliary ‘have’ in constructions like “must have”, “would have”, and so on. “You should of seen it!” shrieks an internet writer who’s probably otherwise a literate adult, but isn’t giving any clues. Use it once, you can be forgiven for typing faster than you’re thinking. Use it twice, we cut your internet connection.
But the one that’s like fingernails down a blackboard is this last one. Take the simple phrase “It’s not a big deal”. Sometimes we want to modify ‘big’ with ‘that’ and move it before the article ‘a’ – it’s not that big a deal. (In that same way, ‘too’ – It’s too good an opportunity to waste.)
You might not have noticed it happening, but the internet is now awash with phrases like “it’s not that big of a deal“. Don’t believe me? Do a google search for “that big of a”, and it returns 1,230,000 results. The correct “that big a” returns just 451,000. The problem lies not in informally posted personal blogs or message boards, but for example many journalists, who should know a thing or two about register and tone, apparently don’t.
There are those who argue that language development is democratic, that sheer volume of usage determines what’s acceptable. What this amounts to is if enough people get it wrong, it’s right. That’s democracy for you.
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Getting to know you
If there’s one thing you should be ready for when you come to Japan, it’s the Getting to Know You conversation – the one where you’re the only foreigner at a social gathering, or you’re simply accosted in the street.
First things first. Let’s be absolutely clear on this – the Getting to Know You conversation is NOT about getting to know you. While newly-arrived foreigners, still a bit green, might fall into the trap of thinking that they themselves are the point of interest, that’s not the case at all.
If ever there was a nation of navel-gazers, it’s the Japanese. (Your word for today is omphaloskepsis.) Some say it’s arrogance, self-obsession. Those more charitable but equally damning call it paranoia, insecurity, a desperate desire to be well thought of. Whichever, if you’re a foreigner in Japan, the Japanese want to know what you think of Japan and the Japanese.
Except they don’t. Actually.
This is no time for home truths. No time for honest answers to straight questions, because these are not straight questions. The Conversation is in fact a subtle test – a test of how you’re going to fit in, a test of your social graces. Sounds complicated? It is. That’s why I’ve compiled this little guide to surviving the test and passing with flying colours. So strap on your tatemae and let’s go.
Question 1 then…
…is what normal people would ask. You will of course be asked…
The assumption that anyone not obviously Japanese must therefore be American shows quite a lack of imagination, but don’t let that rile you. Just smile and give an honest answer. This will be the last time you’ll be required to do so.
Question 2
This is a fun question. Most people will use 何で (nan de) to say “Why…?” Which can also mean “How / By what means?”
- The Green Gaijin will give an honest answer – “I came for work / chicks / travel / anime / whatever.” Bad luck, you messed up. Your interrogator will maintain a polite demeanour, but rest assured, they’re bored of you now.
- The Correct (points-scoring) Answer is “Japan is a fascinating country and I wanted to see it for myself.” 10 points.
- The answer you’ll want to give at your hundredth identical interrogation and beyond is “飛行機で。” (”I came by plane.”) On no account give this answer, you’ll confuse and alienate everyone.
Question 3
- GG answer “Er… yes, of course.”
- Correct answer “I can, but yes, chopsticks are difficult for foreigners aren’t they!”
- Jaded answers “Can you use a fork?” / “I’ve only been doing it for 30 years.” / “I’m a foreigner – I only eat burgers.”
Question 4
- GG answer “Yes, it’s very nice.” (Because you’re catching on by now, aren’t you. Or so you think.)
- Correct answer “Yes, it’s DELICIOUS!” (Remember to adopt a pained expression – If you’re not saying that Japanese food is so good it hurts, then you’re paying no compliment at all.)
- Jaded answer “I can just about gag some down before I go out and look for something with a flavour.”
Question 5
- GG answer “Er… yes. They’re beautiful!” (Nice generalisation, buster. Warming up nicely. Without the hesitation, this would be the Correct Answer.)
- Jaded answer “You bloody fool, my wife is sitting right next to me! I want to hurt you…”
Married gents, this question is a shit sandwich. If your wife is Japanese, you’re pretty much in trouble whatever you answer. If your wife isn’t Japanese, you may as well cut them off yourself and slam them down on the table. In a world with justice the person asking this question would be taken outside and beaten to a pulp.
Question 6
Unless you’re from the tropics, this will seem like a bizarre non sequitur.
- GG answer “Mm? Yyyyes…”
- Correct answer “It does, but they’re not as distinct or as beautiful as they are in Japan!”
- Jaded answer “Yes, yes, we have 4 seasons. Unlike Japan’s 5.”
On no account should you point out Japan’s secret 5th season, no matter how obvious you think it is. The Japanese have built an enormous mythology around their “4 seasons”. Pointing out that tsuyu (the rainy season, which is clearly not the same as summer) makes 5 is like tramping the toilet slippers through a tatami room.
So you can see that every question is a like a hand grenade with the pin pulled out. With a bit of deft manoeuvring, you can escape with your life and your good name. It may seem unfair to expect you to be primed when you’re fresh off the plane, jetlagged, but you’ll get used to these questions.
Oh BOY you’ll get used to them.
from → Gaijin, Japan